


To Live and To Let Go

by walking_travesty



Series: Four AM Rush [7]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Harry can't seem to stop calling Zayn a fuckboy, Harry is excited to use some of his new vocabulary, Heartache, I still don't know how to tag like at all, I'm going to stop these now, Louis is kind of a douche, M/M, Mistakes, Regrets, Sad, Sulking, blind dates, but hey what can you do, fuckboys, holy shit, most of these tags are coming out of my ass, saddens, woop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2014-10-09
Packaged: 2018-02-20 11:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2427440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walking_travesty/pseuds/walking_travesty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So does that mean you want a boyfriend?”  <br/>“I-I don’t know.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Live and To Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO  
> GUESS WHO'S BACK  
> IT ME  
> GREETINGS  
> I HOPE YOU ENJOY  
> Title from All Time Low's song of the same name.

Liam doesn’t know what time it is, or what day it is, really.

The only thing that he knows is that he feels empty and he has no one to blame but himself. _You’re a fuck up_ his brain tells him automatically. “I know” he replies out loud. He shifts onto his side, pushing his head further under his covers. He can’t describe what is happening to him at the moment; the only thing on his mind is _Zayn_ and how he can’t be mad at him for dumping him. Liam tried to be pissed at Zayn; to hate the ground he walked on but he can’t, his brain won’t let him. He knows exactly why his brain won’t let him but he made himself agree to never let that thought slip through the barrier inside his body; he physically could not handle the words that were aching to roll of his tongue.

“Liam?” He hears Harry call softly. He doesn’t even bother to say anything back; letting the brunette open the door to his room. “It’s been three days, love.” Harry sighed softly, crawling into the spot next to Liam. Liam grumbles, curling in on himself under his blanket. “I’m starting to get really worried.”

“I’m okay, Harry.” Liam huffs hoarsely, clearing his throat. He can’t see Harry’s face but he knows there’s a pout there.

“You don’t seem fine, Li.” He murmurs, rubbing the small of his back. Liam uncovers his head, grimacing at the amount of light in his room. He slowly turns himself over to face Harry. From the look on Harry’s face, Liam thinks he must look worse than he’s leading on.

Great.

“What happened the other day? First you have sunshine coming out of your arse and then you’re acting like someone died.” Harry says, stroking Liam’s hair. “What happened at Zayn’s place?” Liam didn’t want to think about what happened, even though it was the only thing on his mind; spinning in an endless loop. Liam could only shrug, giving Harry a blank expression.

“Just tell me, Li, it’ll probably make you feel better?” Harry suggests, scooting closer to Liam. Liam takes the hint, laying his head in Harry’s lap as he continues to stroke his head softly.

“I thought we were something together, but I was wrong.” Liam sighed glumly, he wanted nothing more than to be swallowed up by the earth and never resurface again.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Harry says lowly, petting Liam’s head soothingly. Liam nuzzles Harry’s thigh, sighing heavily as he raises his hand to his face, rubbing it over his eyes before he flops it back to his side.

“He doesn’t want a boyfriend and I was too dumb to realize it.” Liam says bluntly, covering his face with his blanket. Harry pulls the blanket away from his face.

“That doesn’t make you dumb, Liam.” Harry murmurs softly. “It means you’re hopeful.” Liam can feel tears welling in his eyes, even though he’s told his body countless times that he was done crying.

“I fucking feel dumb,” Liam chokes out, clearing his throat, “It’s all my fault, everything’s my fault.” Liam sighs, pulling his head off of Harry’s lap. The boy sits up, pulling his knees up to his chest, resting his head on the headboard of his bed.

“First with Danielle and now with Zayn.”

“Fuck Zayn, Liam!” Harry says in an urgent tone, turning to face Liam. You’ve only known Zayn, what, a month? Don’t let this little fuckboy fuck up your life like this!” Harry says exasperatingly.

“But you don’t understand, Harry!” Liam yells back, annoyance in his tone.

“What do I not understand?”

“I think I’m in love with him!” Liam says and once he does, his heart plunges deep into his stomach. He feels physically sick from what he’s said. He’d been dreading those words for so long and to have them out in the open has caused all the wounds he’d bandaged on his heart to vanish, making all the pain he’s felt for so long crash down on him all at once. Harry is speechless for a moment, Liam the same.

_What the hell is wrong with me?_ Liam says to himself.

“Mate, you’re properly fucked.” Harry says a minute later, his head thumping against the wall.

“I know.”

++

“That’s the third order you’ve messed up today, Malik!” Tom, his manager, say in an impatient tone.

“I know,” Zayn says, tone exhausted as he rushes back into the kitchen, heat hitting him like a brick wall, causing his sweat laced hair to stick even closer to his forehead. “My mind is just a little preoccupied today.” He says loudly, picking up a tray of food for table four.

“Well you better get over it; table seven has been sitting there for fifteen minutes without any menus!” Zayn rushes past him, stopping shortly by the door out into the main floor to grab two menus.

“Right away sir!” He shouts.

This was going to be a long day.

\---

Zayn feels like he can breathe again for the first time since the early morning when he enters his flat at around ten in the morning.

“Hey handsome, how was work?” Louis calls, giving him an encouraging smile when he walks into the room. Zayn looks at him, sadness in his eyes as he sets down his bag, sitting down at their breakfast bar, putting his head in his hands.

“I think I’m about to cry.” Zayn groans, his head landing on the table with a thud.

“That bad huh?” Louis says, pulling out the chair next to Zayn.

“I think I fucked up Louis.” Zayn whines picking his head off the table.

“So what if you messed up a couple of orders? Some of those people need to lay off the bacon any-“

“Not at work, Lou,” Zayn groans, a headache forming in the back of his skull, “I mean with Liam.”

“ _Oh_ ” Louis says, propping his elbows on the table. “What do you mean by that?”

“Liam isn’t answering any of my calls or texts and I’m really worried.” Zayn sighs, “I think I broke him or something.”

“So what? So what if the big baby got his feeling hurt, he’ll get over it.” Louis counters.

“But it’s different this time! I-I didn’t want to do that to him and now that I did I-“ Zayn stops short, staring at his own fingers, “I think I regret it.” He says softly, rubbing his hand over his eyes.

“So does that mean you _want_ a boyfriend?” Louis asks, disbelief in his voice.

“I-I don’t know.” Zayn says honestly, looking Louis directly in the eye; Zayn sighs, long and drawn out as he gets up from the counter taking out his phone, walking to his room.

Zayn was going to fix this, even if it killed him.

++

Somehow Liam (with the help of Harry) was able to get out of his bed and into the living room. “Okay, I called your boss and said you still weren’t feeling well,” Harry sighs, sitting next to Liam on the couch. Liam murmurs a soft “Thank you,” staring blankly at the TV that wasn’t on.

“Do you want me to turn on the TV before I leave?” Harry says, getting up to grab his bag off of the kitchen table.

“No, for some reason I don’t think the Kardashians will help boost my mood.” Liam says, lying on his side as he pushes his blanket up to his chin. He ignores the sad look on Harry’s face as he leaves the room.

“I’ll make sure to get an extra copy of the notes from Mr.Dowe’s class for you.” Harry calls, “I’m not having my best mate flunk out of UNI over some no good fuckboy!” He says after. The statement makes Liam laugh a little, the first genuine emotion other than sad and angry he’s had since that day at Zayn’s place. When the door shuts completely, Liam is finally aware of just how _alone_ he is. He lays there in his own personal mix of misery and resentment until he hears the familiar ring of his phone. His phone had been shut off since the day he left Zayn’s place and was only turned back on because of Harry’s persistent whining. Liam drags himself off of the couch, dragging his blanket along with him down the hall to his room. He already knows who it is but decides to make the trip to his phone anyway.

_Please Answer me_

_\--- Zayn_

The text reads, and Liam holds back the brooding feeling in his heart as he erases the text, throwing his phone onto his bed. He rubs a rough hand over his short, buzzed hair before walking out of his room, without a second glance at his phone.

\---

“Liam, I’ve set you up on a blind date!” Harry yells as he slams the door, running down the hall to his room before walking swiftly into the living room. Liam’s disgruntlement transitions into shock as he shoots up, his blanket falling onto the floor as he looks shockingly at his roommate.

“You did what?” Liam says seconds later.

“His name is Niall and he’s a real sweetheart,” Harry starts out, his eyes bright with excitement, “and he agreed to meet you and take you out for dinner!” Harry says finally, his leg shaking rapidly. Liam doesn’t know what to say, too stunned at the news just handed to him.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” Liam says, sighing after as he lies back on the couch. He shakes his head, his head spinning with all this new information mixing with the old.

“I think it’s a grand idea.” Harry says, “I think it’ll help you get over Zack or whatever.”

“His name is _Zayn_ , Harry.” Liam says in an incredulous tone.

“A fuckboy is a fuckboy to me.” Harry says simply, his energy coming back into full volume again after. “Now c’mon! You’re date’s going to be here in two hours!”

“Excuse me?” Liam says, shocked once again, “My ‘date’ is today?” Liam says in disbelief.

“Yes it is,” Harry says, walking over to Liam and putting a hand around his bicep, “Now come on I have to make you look good enough to eat!” Harry says, dragging Liam along behind.

“Good grief.” Liam sighs aloud.

++

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm really happy to be able to start posting again! This mini hiatus has given me time to elaborate on different story lines and to improve my writing skills!! Unfortunately I will not be posting as frequently as I would like to (school and other nonsense) but I will try to give content as often as possible!  
> Kudos are appreciated  
> Comments (good and bad) are welcomed  
> Suggestions are welcomed as well!  
> Ciao!


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